“Hey, Morning-Jason. It is Night-Jason. Wake up, it is five forty-five, and I promised Hank that I would go to the gym. Don’t make me a liar.” Jason was covering his head with a pillow as the message ended.
By the third repetition, he had enough. “Why, do I do this every morning?” The message was from a year ago and remained unchanged. “I hate this alarm.” He got out of bed with a groan. A spring snapped as his hand shifted. The noise scared the cat that was lazily sitting by the doorway. “Sorry Boots. Blame mommy and Helen.”
Boots meowed and hopped onto the bed and began stretching where Jason had been sleeping. A light tear could be heard as its claws cut through fibers. The message had been recited for the fifth time.
Jason looked over his shoulder as he opened the desk drawer. “I wish I was a cat. All you do is lick yourself and nap all day. Hell, I even clean up your piss.” He turned forward and slipped his hand into the drawer and fumbled around. Eventually, he found the computer mouse and shook it back and forth.
Piercing blue light struck his face, and he shrank away like a vampire who opened the curtains by mistake. His eyes tried to adjust but his voice persisted: “Hey, Morning-Jason. It is Night-Jason.” With a click of his mouse, the room fell silent. Jason released a sigh as the computer drawer closed. He looked at Boots and shook his head.
“Boots, why are you so lucky?” The cat was already asleep. “Well, guess it is time to go to the gym.” He walked into his kitchen and stepped on cat vomit. The multicolored mass oozed between his toes and he cursed, “Dammit Boots!” He saw the report on the kitchen table and a sigh escaped his lips, “I forgot about you.”
With slouched shoulder, he began collecting the charts and reports. He had prepared these over the month. It had been two years since he had been hired and would finally face his manager and CEO in a conference room. All employees were granted direct access to the CEO to pitch their personal projects. But, there was a major issue. His manager’s friend had been working on a project that was similar to his, and he knew which way his boss would swing. It was a futile meeting, because he had zero power to convince the CEO. Who was he? It was a first meeting and his manager would destroy that impression.
He grabbed a parfait, bottle of orange juice, and a protein bar from the table. With a quick glance, he saw that the bar was his favorite: coconut and white chocolate. A smile graced his lips as he passed by the dryer and washing machines. He set his food down and grabbed his gym bag. It was strategically placed by the garage door to keep him from juggling all his possessions. His alarm hadn’t gone off. He took a moment to eat his parfait.
Halfway through the blueberry layer, a melodious tone erupted from his pocket—he had two minutes to get into the car—so he put the edge of the plastic container to his lips and began shoveling. Eyelashes trembled, the cold treat passed into his mouth and his brain began to shutter. With the last of it in his mouth, he threw the plastic cup in the lint garbage can and pressed his thumb and index finger to his temples.
“Why didn’t I just eat it in the car?” Eventually the pain subsided, and he threw his protein bar in the gym bag. “Away we go!” He grabbed the door knob and entered the garage, a melancholy miasma clouding his head.
***
He saw Helen first. His wife was probably still changing in the woman’s restroom. Helen was wearing her neon green and pink sports bra. It must have been awkward having breasts for the first time. She looked good, more like a woman than normal. He doubted it was the breasts; it had to be something else. Their eyes met and she followed him into the men’s room. Jason didn’t see her behind him.
“Jason you made it.” He was startled as she threw her arms around him.
“Helen, you can’t be in here! Did you forget?” He tried to squirm from her grasp.
“Oh no! What do I do? He wasn’t sure if she was playing coy.
“Just walk out!” She would lose her head if it wasn’t attached.
“Oh come on, it’s not a big deal. I have seen it all already.”
“Not when you looked like that.” His gaze was on her breasts.
“Do you like them? They are brand new.” She was beaming with pride, “I changed a bit since you last saw me.”
“Yea, you could say that. But, you really need to get out of here.”
“Only if you guess what else has changed?” He began scanning her from head to toe. In the end, he shook his head. “Come on.” She tilted her head back, “It is right in front of your face.” She stood a head taller than him. “Think really hard.”
The obvious clue helped the thought click into place, “You got the Adam’s apple shaved!”
“Yep! Got it at the same time as these puppies.” She groped herself.
“Good for you.” He was actually excited for her but then his tone changed, “But, you really gotta get out of here!” With a smile, she did a slight bend at the waist and ran out.
Jason sighed as he set down his stuff on a bench. He began taking out his clothes when he caught a glimpse of a guy in the corner and turned to greet him: “Hey, how you doing Andrew?”
The man was slightly shaken, “Um, I am alright, I guess.” He seemed unable to put his thoughts into words.
Jason gave him a hand, “That was Helen.” The man still looked befuddled. “You remember Hank?”
“Yea, haven’t seen him around in a bit.”
“Well, he changed his name to Helen and is no longer a him.” It still hadn’t sunk in. “That was Hank, Andrew.”
“Oh god! What, when did that happen?” He seemed visibly upset.
Jason saw an old report for his meeting in the gym bag. A screwdriver stabbed his gut but he tried to continue the conversation, “Well, she has always been that way. Just finally saved up the money to finally get into the body she wanted.”
“But she is a he?”
“Not according to Helen and her boyfriend.” Jason folded his pants and hung his shirt from a hanger. “I don’t really want to talk about this.”
“Why not dude? That man now has breasts! She kinda looks good.”
Jason slipped his shorts up his legs and grabbed his running shirt. “It isn’t our place and doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.” Realistically, his mind was still preoccupied on what he was going to do about the presentation. “So, just let it go.”
“But, it’s a dude with breasts.”
The shirt was on, and Jason decided to end the conversation once and for all. “Can’t call her a dude when she doesn’t have a penis, anymore.”
“I did call her a she earlier. Sorry man, just trying to wrap my head around it. Like, can I invite Helen over for beers, or is that a date now?”
Jason was thrown for a loop, “I would talk to Helen, same person, different body.”
“Cool man!” He walked out of the locker room to look for his wife.
The gym was deserted except for Helen. She was running on the elliptical and experiencing difficulties with her new hardware. He decided to join her and watch The Morning Show. A few pumps of his feet and the machine sprung to life. He smiled, because, he was the one generating the power for the machine. His finger hit the interval training button, a countdown started, and he fumbled for his headphones. As he popped them in, his wife popped up next to him and gave him a quick peck on the cheek.
He pulled his right headphone out and listened to her, “Had to get my kiss in before you were all sweaty.” She was giddy from working a twelve hour shift and probably wasn’t safe to drive.
Jason was engrossed with his thoughts but knew her feelings. He chose to focus on her, “How was work, Hiiri?”
“It was good.” She leaned forward and looked at Helen, whose headphones were in. “No one could believe it was Hank. She got hit on by two doctors until John came in and planted one on her.” A giggle escaped her throat, “Then, everyone realized that Helen, Hank, was back.”
“I assume people didn’t take it very well.”
“Actually, it was kinda weird. More people became okay with Helen and John dating, than Hank and John dating.” Jason didn’t flinched and continued running. “Yea, it was, like, it was suddenly okay for them to be together because Helen had breasts. Maybe it was just easier for people to suspend their disbelief or something.” She covered her mouth and tried to stifle a laughed.
Jason was first to respond, “What’s so funny?”
Helen understood what was going on, “Don’t laugh at me, Vanessa!” She made a fake frowning face. “I just can’t run like I used to. I keep elbowing these damn boobs. I am afraid they are going to pop.” At that point even Jason laughed and his wife lost it. Vanessa had to walk away. Still chuckling, he threw his headphones in and lost himself to the run.
***
It was eight in the morning when he badged into work and was greeted by the administrative assistant who handled the front desk. “Morning Jason!” She was extremely peppy throughout the day and it sometimes was too much. Jason called her the robot when he described her to his wife. “Are you excited for your meeting?” She was the gatekeeper and knew everyone’s schedule.
He smiled, even though a ten pound weight slammed into his gut. “Of course! It is why I chose Tosoka.” She continued to smile and expected him to say something. His eyes darted all over her face, looking for a difference.
Her eyelashes fluttered, “Is something wrong?”
His cheeks flushed with embarrassment, “No, I um, just spaced out.” Jason began walking to his cubical.
“Don’t worry, he is very nice. I remember when I had to pitch my project.” A wink escaped her face.
“What was your project?”
“The Froginator.”
“Really?! We, have two of those in our house. I have never had such clean ceiling fans. You save me and my wife, like, forty minutes of cleaning every week.” He grabbed her hand and shook it, “Wait, I was always curious. How did you come up with the name?”
“Simply, when the machines take over the world. The Froginator will lead the charge, notice the inator, as in the terminator? The hard part was getting it to sell for less than the iRobot products. Ours was unique because it wasn’t banished to the floor and that is where the frog part comes in.” She could see Jason was sad about the response. “Terminator two is my favorite movie, I wanted to incorporate it in some way. Then we added the app, and bam, mobile nanny cam modification.” He was shocked because he had never seen her talk this way.
“It is so great that this place lets everyone pitch ideas.” He wasn’t trying to sound disrespectful, “Come on man, that thing sold like thirty three million units.”
“Actually, it sold thirty four and some change,” she winked, “but who’s counting?”
His cheeks exploded in a flurry of red, “I didn’t mean it like that, I am um, so sorry.”
She waved her perfectly manicured hands, “Don’t worry about it. I made enough to retire from that product.”
“What do you mean, you made money from the product?”
“Oh, yea you haven’t met with Jamie yet. Well, just realize this. Our company isn’t all it seems. But, yea, I could retire, but I do this because I like seeing people and thinking up new and better ideas.”
“Can I ask how much you made?”
“Yes, but you gotta keep it a secret until you meet with Jamie. Promise?”
“Yea.” She reached across her desk and looked dead serious.
“Then shake on it. Oh, and realize, I will kill you if you tell anyone anything that we just discussed or will discuss.” A chill ran through his body as he shook her hand. “I am not joking.”
“I know.”
Her pep came back, “Well, want to know after taxes?”
The tension disappeared when her demeanor revert to happy, “Yea.”
“I think roughly four million.”
“Canadian dollars?” She laughed at his joke. “I’m just joking.” He was slightly nervous.
She jabbed back, “I know, that’s why I laughed. Now run along. You have forty-five minutes before your meeting.”
Her words felt like a roofer had hit him with the back of his hammer, but he forced a smile, “Thanks Samantha.”
“Call me Sam. You’re a real employee, now.”
***
Jason arrived early to the conference room, fifteen minutes. This was a special room and had been designed to incorporate no technology. It was the only one in the entire corporation. A low whistle escaped his lips as he spoke to no one, “This is like a prison’s meeting room.”
The room’s walls were blazingly white, there was a single circular table in the center of gray carpet, and four wooden chairs. Yellow light emanated from a ceiling fan with a single light bulb. While the sparse accommodations were distracting, it was the perfect temperature, and once the door shut there was an absence of sound. Jason walked to the other side of the table and took a seat that faced the doorway. He wanted to greet the CEO in a cordial manner.
“This chair. How, how is a wooden chair this amazing?” Creases appeared on his shirt as he began twisted and looking for an explanation, “This makes zero sense. It is just a wooden chair, but it feels like a leather sofa.” The door opened.
“Careful, that chair is roughly one point two million dollars.” His manager had arrived.
“What? How?”
“That is a product that was conceived in this room. The first to be dreamed up here, but it never made it to production. It was my failed brain child. We wasted, roughly, five million in research and design. But! The public couldn’t get over the fact that it looks like a plain wooden chair. Our Marketing department said it would never make it in the world.” She sounded salty, and it made Jason very nervous.
“But why is it so comfortable? It is like sitting on a cloud.” The manager laughed. That laugh almost made Jason forget that his manager was an enemy. “That is the first time I heard you laugh.”
“Well, you are finally an employee. Congratulations on making it two years. By the way, I reviewed all your materials.” She scowled, “All fifty three pages.” Jason blushed, he thought he had gone overboard. “I like it. You know that Rodriguez is working on something similar?”
Jason wanted to avoid the confrontation before the CEO arrived, “But, uhh, Jamie, how did you get them to feel like this?”
She picked up on his redirection and released him from the confrontation, “A year of research and a lot of money.” Her briefcase was now on the table, and she began pulling out documents. “I love coming in here. You know, they lost five million on my project, and I never, once, felt the pain from that. I was promoted later that year. Than a lateral move after I learned programming, and here I am, sitting in on my first employee’s CEO meeting.” A smile, “When I hired you, I knew it was a great decision.” He wanted to hate her, but she was being too sweet, and he wondered what she was planning. Her face turned to pure bliss, “The best thing I ever pitched, and the least successful.”
“Wait? You pitched more than one thing?”
“Yea, after this meeting you gain access to the CEO for any personal project. I have three products on the market right now. I am worth, let’s see, roughly six million? I am no Sam, she nailed it with the Froginator.”
“What? how?”
“How what? Clarify and please use English.”
“How did you get that much money?”
“Well, this is a secret and we don’t tell the non-two year employees. All personal projects are given profit sharing. I think it is ten percent. I can’t remember.” She melted into the chair.
“Why though? Our salaries are so low. I came here and had to sell my old house.”
“Yep, we want the people who are passionate and want to be in our world. Then we reward them for producing. Who cares about a yearly salary? Almost all of the employees that are two-year and up are millionaires. If they have multiple failures, then and only then do they get a higher salary, but the second they have a success it drops again.” She shot up and looked him in the eyes, “Ya know, not everyone is an innovator. And that is okay, so you don’t have to worry if your product doesn’t make it. We will make sure you are financially safe.” Another wink, if he knew better, he would think she was hitting on him, or she was trying to rattle him before the meeting. “You’ll have that big house again. Either way, we will be discussing all this later this evening after your pizza party.”
“Well, can you tell me no…” A knock and the door began to open.
“Hello guy and gal, how is your morning going?”
She was first to respond, “Amazing, have you been to the little breakfast place in the middle of Romane’s Estates?”
“How did you get in there?”
“Hopped the fence.” She pulled up her sleeve and showed him a giant rip, Jason hadn’t noticed because she was an invading force. “I am telling you, we need to have them cater one of our breakfast meetings.”
The CEO was visibly concerned, “Jamie, you shouldn’t have come in. You are all bandaged up!”
“Poppy-cock, my first employee’s two year meeting with you. There was no way I was going to miss this!” Why was she being so nice, or was she going to make sure Rodríguez’s project was picked. “I stopped by the health unit and got all fixed up.”
“Well, you are going to do what you want. I learned that a long time ago.” He smiled at her and then focused on Jason: “Jason, it is a pleasure to meet you. I truly enjoyed the report. I suggest, in the future, you add in random sentences that don’t make sense. That way, you can test us and make sure we read them.” He looked at Jamie, “You want to tell him about how you tested me.”
She laughed, “Well, Bob was giving me my two year meeting.” Another laugh, she was going to have trouble telling the story. “My report topped in at a whopping one hundred twenty pages.” The CEO looked disgruntled. “Well, I figured he wouldn’t read it, so I just wrote a story about Bob and a horse.” More laughter. “Well, it was kind of a horseback riding story, just Bob wasn’t doing the riding. I took all those sentences and split them up throughout the report.” Bob was nodding his head. “So, I walk into the meeting nervous as all hell. Here is a guy I never met. And I had added this horrible story into the report and sent it by mistake. Yea, I had attached the wrong report and shot it off. Before I realized it, I thought I would be unemployed. Well, I walk in and there is Bob. He was early. By the way, back then, we didn’t have our managers in the meetings.” Jason wished it was back then, “Before I can sit down, Bob took out a DVD and gave it to me. Oh god, what was the name?”
Bob jumped in, “Seabiscuit. It was an old movie about a great American thoroughbred from the Great Depression, horse racing.”
“Well, it was at that moment, I just started laughing, and he began reciting the entire story I had written. Then he looked me dead in the eyes and goes, ‘on page sixty three, you forecasted an issue, and that would be marketing the product. And if I read that correctly, it is because it looks like a cheap flimsy chair.’ I nodded as tears rolled from my eyes and he just waited. That, by the way, was the first time I met Bob, and I wouldn’t want to work for anyone else after he gave me that DVD.”
Bob finally took his seat as Jamie wipe a tear from her eye, “Good god, I wish we could have marketed these and sold ‘em. Everyone deserves one.”
“Maybe if wood comes back in style. I wish metal could have been used. Either way, let’s get on track.” Her tone became serious, “Bob, Jason is a great fit for the company. I recommend his employment is continued and is given the parachute.” She looked at Jason, “I will explain all of this after your party.” Then back to Bob, “I will have to recuse myself from the meeting as I have a conflict of interest. One of my other employees is currently working on a similar product. This individual is my friend. I will recuse myself from his meeting also. However, I cannot sit here and discuss either of their projects as I am, more than likely, emotionally compromised. Now,” she removed two envelopes from her stack of items, “these have my personal decisions. Please, only open them after a decision has been made on your project. Now, I have another meeting. Good luck Jason, I look forward to your pizza party tonight.” She smiled, packed up her things, and left.
Jason could feel his heartbeat, in his ears. His palms were now sweaty, “Um, well let’s go through the material.”
Bob’s tone switched from happy to business, “No need, what Jamie didn’t mention in that story was how long our meeting was. It took us roughly two minutes to make a decision. There was only one question I had, the marketing one. Once she answered it, well, that was all she wrote and the paper work was signed. Your report is where I make the decision. This meeting is only used to clarify questions, if you write a bad report, and then work on the strategy for implementation. But, that only happens if it is accepted.”
“How many are rejected.”
“A lot, but I need you to work with Jamie and have her put together a team. You will begin work on the project immediately. Congratulations, your project is approved and production will begin today.” Jason was in shock and had frozen. The CEO’s tone was back to normal, “You there Jason?”
He snapped out of it, “Yes, yes, a hundred times yes! So, I can start immediately?”
“Yep, you are the team lead for project: Hummingbird.”
“Wait, Hummingbird? Why Hummingbird?”
“Because it is nonsense and now our enemies can’t derive the actual meaning of the project. Oh, Jamie will be putting you with people who are only two-years and up. Your old team is no longer going to work with you. Confidentiality and corporate espionage.” He shrugged his shoulders, “Safety precautions. Ya know? Now let’s open these letters.”
Both of the two opened their letters and Jason’s was two separate sentences, “Jason’s idea is superior.” And, “I am terminating Rodriguez today, he has become too complacent and is taking advantage of our friendship. Coaching has failed and he is not worthy of joining the two-year club.” Jason didn’t understand it, but a single tear dropped from his eye and splashed on the letter.
***
After his party, Jamie summoned him into her office. He sat down and pizza sloshed in his stomach as she smiled. Her tone was venomous, “If you repeat anything I have said, we all lose the privileges. No one, except your wife, can ever know. This is a business secret and explains how we have been so successful.” She slid a confidentiality agreement across her desk, “Sign it. Then close the door.” Without thinking, he signed the agreement and closed the door.
***
“Jay, so, how did it go?” He still had his briefcase, gym bag, and empty orange juice container in his hand.
“Whoa there babe, I just stepped through the door. Can I decompress?”
“No, I could barely sleep. You can decompress when I go to work.” She checked her watch, “in four hours.”
A light funk of sweaty clothes wafted into the little room as Jason opened his gym bag. The metal lid from the washing machine clanged as he began adding all of his clothes to the wash, “Well, the project was accepted and I begin work as the team lead.” Vanessa squeaked with excitement and Jason snorted as he tried to hide his excitement. “You’re my little Hiiri.” Instead of continuing with his work, he turned and gave her a kiss and hug, “Yep, you are looking at the new leader of project Hummingbird.”
“I am so proud of you.” With a bump of her hip, she moved him away from the laundry, “You go pour yourself a glass of wine. I got the laundry.” She reached into the hamper and grabbed her gym clothes, “You probably had to fight Jamie all throughout the meeting.”
A quick slip of his own waist, and she was bumped away from the washing machine. She dropped her clothes and he took over again, “You work in four hours. I can do the laundry.”
“You deal with that bitch every day, I can do the laundry.”
“No, hold on.” She started kissing his neck as a distraction, and he felt himself being pushed out of the way.
“Good, now you stay there. Tell me how you beat her.”
“I didn’t, that’s what I keep trying to say. It was so weird. I walked in and Samantha and me actually had a pleasant conversation.”
Vanessa interrupted, “And I.”
His hand waved in the air, “Who cares, now where was I… Oh yea, Sam.”
“Who is Sam?”
“Sam is apparently Samantha. She was human, not a robot, and told me to call her Sam.”
Jokingly, “Oh she making a move on my man?” She started poking his soft belly, “Because I will take her down. I got Helen to back me up.”
He was ticklish and giggling, “No, uh stop, I want to tell you.”
She went back to the laundry, “Okay, so she was human and now you call her Sam.”
“Yea, it was the first weird part of the day. But I was so busy I didn’t notice that she was behaving way different. I just thought it was an anomaly. Until, I got to the meeting.” He even forgot about her promise to take his life.
“What happened there?”
“Well, Jamie was super nice to me and not a robot. And you know how I said that everyone that was part of the two year club was a robot?”
“Yea.”
“Well, actually hold on, I almost forgot.” He took out a confidentiality report, “You need to sign this and realize if you tell anyone about the inner workings of the corporation, I sacrifice all my profit sharing and career with them.”
“What the hell?”
“Trust me, I just signed mine and it was worth it. Here you read that, and I will handle the rest of the laundry.”
“Don’t use your softener, please.” She was engrossed in the document and already lost to the world.
“I know how to do your laundry; I do it all week.”
“Uh huh, that’s nice.”
“Just sign the document.”
“Yea, of course.”
“You’re not even listening anymore.”
“It is above the counter.”
“Seriously, alright.” He snuck up behind her and blew a light breath of air into her ear.
She jumped back and her wide eyes stared into his, “What was that for?”
“Really?”
“Well, I was reading.” She tried to be cutesy
“Just sign the document.”
“Fine, I trust you.” With a huff, she signed the document and then he signed the witness section.
“Excellent, so where was I?”
“Two year club and people being robots.”
“Oh yea, well, they aren’t robots, they are a group of amazing people who are all very different.”
“What do you mean?”
“Jamie, is a horseback rider, and skydives for fun. Oh, and she breaks into country clubs to eat breakfast. She pretends to go home all the time and watch TV because it is part of our contracts. Non-two years are supposed to think that the corporation is stifling and boring. Oh my god, I almost forgot. Sam is a multi-millionaire, and so is Jamie.”
“Sam is a secretary.”
Jason pointed to an artificial frog that was cleaning the walls, “See that thing.”
She looked over her shoulder at the Froginator, “Yea the Froginator, what about it?”
“That was Sam’s idea. She got ten percent of the profits. She does the secretary thing because she likes to meet new people.”
“Wait, so you are going to get ten percent of your idea if they sell it?”
“Yep, and I get to work on it!
“We have to celebrate!”
Just then he closed the lid to the washing machine and turned it on, “Perfect timing.”
“Come on, I will put on my scrubs for you.”
His heart rate quickened, “Oh boy, it is a special day.”
***
“Hey, Morning-Jason.” Morning-Jason was waiting and sprung from the bed. “It is Night-Jason.” The drawer was open and he had found the mouse.” Wake up, it is five forty-five and.” Blue light forced his eyes to squint. “I promised Hank.” Silence was interrupted by the drawer slamming shut. Jason turned toward the doorway with a grin.