“Stephanie, pleasure to meet you, I am Bob!”—he had a lot of energy when I met him—“You know, I remember my first day. Oh man, I was so nervous I even said eek like in the cartoons. Thinking back, I felt so normal like… everyone else. I kept thinking, ‘Oh no, what if they don’t like me?’ It was like a sitcom was playing out in my head: ‘They’re not going to like my ideas. Oh man, I’m totally fired when they realize I’m stupid and have nothing to offer.’ I think we all have these thoughts and it’s natural, hell, we work for the best company in the industry. And, the best part, they let anyone work for them as long as they’re brilliant. We had this one woman… God what was her name… I swear it was right here”—I remember him tapping his tongue with his index finger as I remained riveted –“Jane Smith”—a wink from him because almost all of the executives were Smiths—“awesome, absolutely brilliant, came up with the formula… you know”—I shook my head, so, he clarified—“The, you know: ‘you won’t believe how easily this dog forgives…’ that format for headlines. Like, I did one on the WebMoves CEO being a misogynist that was a total thorn in the side for them. I guess I’m talking a lot”—he made a face and the skin on his neck went taut—“so, what made you want to join us?”
God, my first day, it feels like ages since I first walked through the three security checks. The guard laughing at the first one… blissfully unaware that the meme he was laughing at was a product from the War Room he protects. Now I wait, fresh heels clicking against the marble floor in the lobby. Jeez, I remember how long I paused and then my generic answer, “To make the world a better place!” My, how I sounded at that moment. I knew that I wanted to change the world. And, I believe in what we do here, but the money and desire to manipulate the world were also contributing factors. Then I figured I would elaborate, to know, to prove I was smarter than the average citizen, “It was brilliant how you guys got him. A simple Gopple search would have proved that it was a lie, but it didn’t matter. To be honest, I was even caught by it. It was brilliant, ‘You won’t believe why WebMoves is canceling Egnaro is the New Dance…’ absolutely brilliant.”
“Hello, I’m Rachel.” Shit, when did she show up? Good looking kid, strong posture, good briefcase, and a book in one hand. She will fit in with us. Interesting, a blue and an amber eye; you don’t see that every day.
Strong handshake, “Pleasure to meet you Rachel, I am Stephanie and will be your mentor. My, my, I was just sitting here thinking about my first day. It was like a sitcom playing in my head”—damn guards always sneer when we bring a new one in—“not going to like my ideas. I figured they would fire me for being stupid”—I think those are textured pantyhose, I’ll have to wait till the second checkpoint to know. It is rare to see someone have the passion to wear such bold stockings. Now that I think about it, we all wear black socks or black pantyhose, not one of us has ever wore textured anything—“I remember my first story”—crap, what was that story? Oh well, she won’t know the difference—“Gopple had a court date for breaking copyright on books with their newest product. It was two days out, and, well, we needed something. Something to really get it to stick. So I went with, ‘You won’t believe what Gopple’s CEO did to avoid copyright laws.’ And I made the image pixilated to help with the public’s imagination. Then, threw it up on some of our satire sites, had one of our fake news sources run with it, and boom! Attention was on Gopple and a public outrage sprung up for their avoidance of copyright laws.”
Excellent, Xavier is working today, “Good to see you Stephanie, looking strong. Want a chocolate”—coconut! Xavier is such a sweetheart, I bet he buys these just for me—“Are you ready to do the good work?” He is so sweet.
“Of course Xavier, always ready! Rachel, this is Xavier, at this checkpoint you can talk freely. Oh, sorry honey, those shoes and briefcase need to be left at the check point. I do love those shoes; where did you get ‘em?” They are textured pantyhose… interesting.
“Pleasure to meet you, Xavier.” Polite, I like that, but I bet she has a fire in her belly. “Stephanie, they were on special at Penstrom, clearance, twenty dollars. Aren’t they adorable?” My, my, this girl will do just fine. There was zero flutter in her voice, John Smith chose wisely. “What’s funny?”
“Excuse me, sorry Rachel, I was in my own world.”
“Oh, Xavier said, you need to take me to the shoes room.”
I remember my first visit to the shoe room. Here I was, tiny little Stephanie, and big bad Bob is trying to help me pick out a pair of heels. Xavier had waved in the distance as Bob pulled me into a side room. Like all the movies when they go to an armory, florescent lighting shot on and illuminated my heaven. Shoes, all the varieties in the world, all at once, and in all sizes. Bob sat there and explained, “We want you to feel like it’s normal office. The men get the same thing, just… less variety. Now hurry up Stephanie, your group is making its first big decision.”
Interesting, she chose the same shoes she had been wearing. I guess that is fine. She has wonderful calves, my, I must ask her, “What is your secret?”
“What secret?” I flustered her? Naw, not this woman, must be my imagination.
“For those calves!” A light giggle, even that giggle is adorable. “God, they are amazing. Oh, third checkpoint. This one is a DNA a test. Sorry about the finger!”
After that, I remember walking into meet with my team. Bob was still happy as I sucked on my finger. That iron taste, like I was sucking on some rust. Then Bob threw his hands out and yelled, “This is your War Room” God, the white walls. Everything was white with florescent lighting. Six computers around a fold out table. It was hideous and bland. I looked at Bob, and he realized what was wrong and continued, “So, this may look pretty, pretty, plain. I know, it is yogurt without fruit, but you guys have an unlimited budget. To spend—”
“Wow, this room isn’t very colorful.” Rachel should never wrinkle her noise, it is her ugliest trait so far.
“You know what, let me show you my War Room. So, you will have an unlimited budget to spend on decorations. My team, since we’re all environmentalists, we chose to go a little funny.” There we all were – young and perky – and all absolutely brilliant. The nuclear lobbyists spouting off about the new reactors and how they can eat old toxic waste. Ha, we didn’t need a scientist on our team to bash them into the ground. We had statistics about Chernobyl, Three Mile Island, and Fukushima to win the conversation. Breeder Reactor, ha, that is a pipe dream.
“Did you release stories about nuclear power?”
“Of course!” God, her calves. She must either be blessed with genetics or one hell of a gym.
“We hammered on the Chernobyl drum on its anniversary. Then Three Mile Island, oh, and the dolphins with Fukushima. Remember, animals, they help a ton.”
“Didn’t Chernobyl run until two thousand? You know, with workers coming in and out.”
“Yea, it was a horrible disaster.”
“No, not to clean, but to actually use the other three reactors?” Well informed! Thank god she isn’t on our team. She would never get along with us.
“Yes, but see, you aren’t our target audience. People who question us, well, they won’t be tricked by our moves. They aren’t our market. We want the others… the not so informed. Our job is to bring a spotlight to the party. Not necessarily give true information. Remember, we brought down CitiMorgan with our story?”
“True. Sorry, I’m still a little naive. It is my first day.” Oh god, she is going to melt John Smith and Andrew Smith’s hearts. Oh dear, she even has a single dimple. Her team is going to be impervious to her. They did well, they chose very well. Come on girl, you can do it, pull yourself back into those type A boots! Ahh yes, here she is, “You mean the corruption in foreign countries. And you’re saying it was all a lie that brought the castle tumbling down?”
“Of course, we said something about the CEO going to Africa and participating in the sex trade.” Ahh those wide eyes, that’s what I like to see, “Sex trade and pedophilia are great ones too. Brought the spotlight onto CitiMorgan and Africa all at the same time. BAM! They followed the money and investments. Twenty-nine indictments on international war crimes.” I love our doorknob. The exact same one from the movie.
“But no sex trade?”
I remember Bob scaring me. I won’t do it to her. One simple question and it threw me off, “You ask a lot of questions. We get dirty and live in the mud, that’s the job. Are you sure you can handle this?”
I squeaked out my answer, “Yes, sorry sir!” Last time I spoke my mind for two months. Because of that, we missed the opportunity to bag a senator from the green party who was elected in Wyoming. If I had been on my game, dammit. If I had been on my game, we would have had him. Shit, she is staring at me, “Please, the man was happily married with kids. He did lend money to revolutionaries to buy weapons so they could control the diamond mines. He was guilty, and he was never prosecuted for sex trading. We just… helped out the DA.” Good, she is nodding her head. She understands, we have to get dirty. See Bob, I fixed your training plan and she won’t question her abilities.
“What is this room?”
“My team’s War Room.” I knew it! Her eyes are priceless. Oh man, our room always gets looks of awe. “We started with that plain white room like you. This’s what we decided to do with it. Nice and dark, nice leather chairs, a black glass conference table, six computers with three monitors a piece, TVs streaming the news from around the world”—she looks so lost aimless through the technology; I surprised her—“data analysis showing the reach of our posts. This, this right here is the big one. This gives us up to data analysis of our websites and how quickly each falsified story is disproven. If one becomes “corrected” in two days, well, we take it down and start building a new website. Remember that, got to keep your websites reliable enough to get the public to believe just long enough to do the damage.”
“Where is your team?”
“Out for lunch, should be back anytime soon. Oh look, Jane Smith, she started the headlining process. The one we use, you know, it is called click-bait. Jane this is Rachel, she just stared with us.” Look at those calves, god, watching her walk is a treat. I haven’t seen anyone approach Jane that fast.
“Jane, it’s a pleasure. Can I ask you one question?”
“Of course.” Jane’s going to love her.
“Why do you always release these lies when the government is being targeted by the public?”
“Stephanie, I will take the tour from here.” Jane has such a nice smile.
“No problem Jane! Have fun with her Rachel.” Well, I guess I can have lunch early.
“Rachel, you’re a bright woman. But you have to realize, the human brain is capable of recognizing patterns when there are no patterns. You know, most of that is just a coincidence, an anomaly. You’re smart, do you really—” I hope the cafeteria has crab legs today.