I have been filled with fear for the last two and a half years. Around five years ago, I made the decision to write a book – which I never finished. Following that, I tried my hand at a second book; I never finished that one either. At that point in my life, I wasn’t afraid. I was complacent. I had a job, and I was making money; I was on my way to buying a home. Then, I decided to try my hand at really writing a novel and completed my first manuscript – Primo Capite and the Others. This is no longer available for agents or publishers. But it was when I made that decision, to write my first book, that I decided to take my writing seriously. At that moment, I was filled with an abundance of fear. And since that moment, I haven’t lived a day without fear. Why you ask?
I was a man standing on the ground surrounded by cliffs just looking up at the ridge and wondering. Now, I had the option to sit there, relax, and enjoy what was available in that small land. It was a good place, there was an abundance of food, all the paths were premade and easy to follow, and it had proven to be successful for many who had come before me. In that small land, I could have had a home, a wife, maybe some kids, and of course, not have to worry about the outside world. Those cliffs were perfect, they protect all of us from the dangers and ravages of the unknown.
Then, being stupid, I decided to grab onto some rocks and begin climbing, because I wanted to see what was at the top of the cliff, but mostly, I wanted to see if I could make it to the edge of the cliff. With each movement, I moved further from the ground and added more uncertainty in my life. Each hold, each pull up, and each hand foot match propelled me higher. Which means one thing, if I fell, I made the plummet longer and more unbearable. So, each movement towards the cliff’s edge was a move in which I left the complacency below me and replaced it with fear. There are others on the cliff with me, some have safety gear, and others don’t… but we are all scared that our decision to leave that comfortable little land was a mistake. I look down, and I see happiness, families, and a comfortable life.
But there is something that I cannot let go of, I want to see over the edge. I want to see if I can make it to that edge and peer out onto the world that only a few have chosen to reach. So, I let the fear in and it pushes the desire for complacency out. Yes, I get exhausted and shut down, but I don’t try and climb back to that ground below me. I have no idea when I will reach the crest of the ridge. But, after two and a half years, I know it is possible. It may be in ten or fifteen years, but I have to keep climbing. We all should be trying to climb and reach the zenith of who we are as humans. If we don’t, sometime in the middle of our lives, we will have a crisis and realize that it may be too late to attempt the climb. So jump on the cliff face with me, if you fall, at least you can fall into complacency knowing you tried.