Rapunzel – Project Grimm
In the gloom of evening, therefore, he let himself down again; but when he had clambered down the wall he was terribly afraid, for he saw the enchantress standing before him.
“How can you dare,” said she with an angry look, “to descend into my garden and steal my rampion like a thief? You shall suffer for it!”
…Then the enchantress allowed her anger to be softened
~The Brothers Grimm
Three pages… the story of Rapunzel is literally three pages in my complete copy of the Grimm’s Fairy Tales. Also, it is a little darker than the original; mostly because the enchantress isn’t the bad lady. Yeah, she isn’t the greatest when she locks away Rapunzel (a thing she does without any reason from The Brothers Grimm – it could be a valid reason or something kooky), or when she casts Rapunzel into a desert with twins (that’s right, when the prince is visiting her at night, they are boning), and then blinds the prince when he comes to visit and she [the enchantress] surprises him. Basically the plot of Rapunzel is this: her parents robbed an enchantress of rampion (which coincidentally means Rapunzel) and is a herb, the enchantress catches the husband, doesn’t punishes him but asks for his first kid, he willing gives her up (Rapunzel once she is born) to avoid punishment, Rapunzel goes to live in the tower, prince sneaks in, they bone, she gets pregnant (but you don’t learn that till later), then she is banished to a desert, the prince is blinded when he falls form the tower into some thorns, he wanders around a lot, finds the desert, her tears fix his eyes, they go live in a castle happily ever after.
My big take away: every story of you’ve ever read or seen of Rapunzel is a lie. Shiiiiiiiiiiit, Rapunzel is the product of a weak willed father who robbed a known enchantress. When he is caught, the fucker turns tail and sells out his unborn child – over a god damn herb. Also, since the narrator tells us that the enchantress softened in the above quote, we know that the punishment that was dolled out (Rapunzel becoming the enchantress’s child) was the more lenient option. Who knows what would have happened if she had kept her ire. [Give that ol’ “Read More” link a click to really understand the moral]
Read MoreOn Parenthood, A Set of Haikus
The two below are focused on how parents are protective of their kids. The goal was to mix that instinct to protect and foster growth with the environment. Thus, forces try to wipe out life, I wanted to show that there are pieces of the world that will protect the youth. Nothing is as unmoving as a boulder, so it made sense to me that a seedling that spouts inbetween boulders would inherently survive. So when I see the new parents in my life, I can only imagine that they are rocks that will protect those children they made. To the parents!
granite on both sides
wind lashes, storms surge – Berry
safe seed – a tree grows
~Theodore Maestranzi
Unmoving boulders
lone seed protected – parents
sapling becomes tree
~Theodore Maestranzi
Because my buddy who is a new father loves to correct my grammar (even when I speak) and his son looks like him, I feel like I am going to have a mini grammarian correcting my speech patterns soon enough. Therefore, I decided to drive him nuts with this personalized haiku.
Oh no, another
me is I, I is me – twins
my grammar assaulted
~Theodore Maestranzi
Read MoreLittle Brother and Little Sister – Project Grimm
For some time they were alone like this in the wilderness. But it happened that the King of the country held a great hunt in the forest. Then the blasts of the horns, the barking of dogs, and the merry shouts of the huntsmen rang through the trees, and the fawn heard all, and was only too anxious to be there. “Oh,” said he, to his sister, “let me be off to the hunt, I cannot bear it any longer,” and he begged so much that at last she agreed.
~The Brothers Grimm
Alright, here is the high level synopsis of this were pedophiliactic nightmarish scenario. A brother and sister are like: “Shit. Fuck. Our stepmother sucks, let’s run away.” So they do, and the step mother is like: “Oh man, I have to keep fucking with them. I’m a witch, let’s fuck their days up and poison all the creeks.” So she does that, the brother drinks some water, and he is turned into a fawn. Then, for some insane reason (they are living happily in the forest by this time, the sister is normal), the brother (who is a fawn) is like: “The king is on a hunt! Let me run around and fuck with them”. So he does, and then the king eventually tracks him to the house, where the king meets the sister and he goes: “Well fuck me sideways, a girl, I shall marry you and pump you full of babies”. So they do that once, she has a baby, then another evil witch kills her kid, swaps in her own daughter, and then they are killed when the king finds it out later.
First, before I get into it… we really need to re-evaluate the decisions of the past towards girls. Why was this a thing. Furthermore, why were American girls married off at 13 to 40 year old men. Shit, our history is fucked. Okay, now let’s get into the moral. [Click “Read More” to get into the real potatoes]
Read MoreSmall Questions: Trash Bags
Everyone I know works their asses off to make money. Stinginess appears at all weird times and it seems like we arbitrarily get frugal in certain circumstances (for many, this is when it comes time to tip). Yet, garbage bags, am I right? I guess I should clarify. Garbage bags are things we spend money on to exclusively throw out. That means, we take money, convert it into a garbage bag, and then throw out the garbage bag (a representation of our capital in bag form). Isn’t that insane? In this specific situation, we are buying trash. That’s fascinating to me, but I still do it.
Perhaps, we should just get canisters with zero bags in them, and just dump our trash directly into the dump. It is probably better for the environment, but then you would have to take time to clean the canister that was holding the trash (and it would probably stink); so I guess we use trash bags to hold trash so we don’t have to clean our garbage cans.
But in the end, are garbage bags just us throwing out money?
Theodore asking the tough questions.
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