Something is wrong with me. My brother has made this abundantly clear – though his criticism is a joke – I’ve noticed that something is “off” when I compared myself to others. I’ve come to this conclusion after multiple walks and conversations with friends that I differ from these people in certain regards. I want to create… nay, I am driven to create. I don’t write to pay my bills (it is actually a drain on my finances), but rather, I write because I love to generate something from nothing. With each dash of the pen, stroke of my fingers, key that clacks, I take my mind and provide it to you. And through that process, something that was only available to me is now available to you.
I cannot remember which philosopher discussed the two ways people create (Maybe Maron (Jean-Luc) or Romanov but they seem too contemporary to be correct). The goal of the philosopher’s analysis was to highlight that human beings are driven to create a legacy (as I read it): biological creation (making new babies) and intellectual creation (books, art, business). The point is that humanity needs to create and we choose different ways to achieve those goals; I personally am driven to leave my legacy via fiction.
So I produce and produce, I avoid revisions and move to my next project quickly. In order to publish, I have been dumping a lot of time into revisions (my most hated activity, but one I am beginning to respect (makes what I’ve pulled out of my mind less messy for the non-Theodore reader)). Nonetheless, I wish I could just be set in a room and left to create new universes and worlds to ad nausea. I don’t feel the need to be in a relationship, but I do feel the need to be writing. I don’t know what it is, but I do know this is a garbage pile of a blog post. Perhaps, I will wrestle with understanding the people who don’t feel a compulsion to create something intellectual, but I see the way they look at me, and I know they wrestle with understanding how I don’t feel a compulsion to create something biological.