I’ve lost a lot of people in the last year around me, and awhile ago, I lost my brother. Whenever I mention my brother, I don’t pull my punches and say he “died” instead of “passed on”. Mostly because I think we need to be faced with the harsh reality of death and that we are mortal pieces of flesh. Now, I wrote my first manuscript (Primo Capite and the Others) and used terms like flesh, corpse, or meat in order to drive home the fact that we are mortal – for certain reasons that book will never be released (mostly it isn’t written well and it has some mistakes due to the use of tropes). However, the terminology was to drive home the reality that we aren’t immortal… but our memories are. [click “Read More” to get my personal philosophy on how to handle death]
When someone passes away, whether it is someone who I am close to who has had someone die or myself who had someone kick the bucket, I always maintain the same mentality – memories are the key. Having had my brother die at when I was at such a young age really forced me into a whirlwind of concepts and thoughts that most don’t have till later in life – some call me an old soul. I would just call it being aware of our mortality. You’re mom won’t live forever, your cat will die sooner than you, and a bus could take you out at any moment. People die, that’s how it works.
Obviously you all know this, but I assume none of you live and breath it. If you did, I would see you participating in the memory making process instead of watching it on a cell phone transpire. We tend to flee from the moments of creation and dive into our phones because there are better things on there. Scrolling facebook, seeing all the happy little messages gives a warm and fuzzy feeling. But the truth of the matter is, each one of those scrolls with your thumb is keeping you from making your own.
A little bit ago, I was at a friends baby’s 1 year old birthday party. We got slammed with a snow storm and their list of participants plunged – not even the father’s sister and brother could make it. Those that did, filled half the tables and it was a stresser for the hosts. They had enough food to feed everyone but now were stuck holding an extra five pounds of beef… so what did we do? Simple, we played in the snow like a bunch of children. The concern and fears of it going smoothly disappeared and we enjoyed the weather that almost ruined their baby’s first birthday party.
God forbid anyone from that party passes away, but I won’t forget them. Memories are key to the successful weathering of the storm that is death. People die near milestones each year (holidays) and this is going to evoke feelings when that day comes back around each year. But, you have memories to let them continue to participate.
Don’t hide, don’t get quiet at the dinner table, don’t forget them, bring them back to life! Tap your mind, suck out a funny story, throw it onto the table and watch it spring joy back into the faces of those who were grimacing just before. Everyone of us has this power as long as we unplug and truly enjoy the life that is around us. Take those little memory capsules, throw them down, and watch your loved one spring back into life. Turn that holiday into a celebration of their life.
To do this, to change the way we handle death, you have to come to a conclusion about living. You have to embrace our mortality and understand that scrolling through a phone is just a way to participate without participating. If you call that friend and ask them what they did that weekend, the story you will get is far more memorable than the pictures you could see. You need to take that phone call from that person you are dreading and get out there.
So, realize you will die and those around you will too. Avoid the faux memories that come from scrolling other people’s pictures. Jump into a weekly phone call with a family member or a close friend. Don’t hide from it, get in there, stir up the guts, and make some memories.